Permission to reproduce this article kindly given by Arun. Visit his blog The Parenting Pit for more great articles!

Written by arun on Jun 06 2007

An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with (still developing) Unschooling Dads

WARNING: I intend to make massive generalisations here… but us Dads always do that!

So you are keen on homeschooling/ unschooling but your partner/ husband is not? Hopefully this might help…

This is about the bulk of Dads. The well meaning, the loving, the caring… well yes… the opinionated, the obstinate, the controlling, the argumentative even authoritarian Dads. So you want to understand that guy that has become the father to your children? Here are some pointers, dare I say, “A Beginners Guide to Understanding the Average Dad”… believe me I know… I am often extraordinarily average.

PROBLEM: DADS WANT TO KEEP THINGS SIMPLE

As soon as you talk about homeschooling let alone unschooling to your husband, the “dad”, their initial reaction would be “why”… its a funny why, it is not really a question at all, more a cry of pain. Actually if you also pulled the home birth, cosleeping and/ or attachment parenting thing on them before you got to unschooling… the first reaction would be “oh shit… not again”. Then “why”.

Why the “why”? Well you know how you can multi task? Talk to a friend on a phone, change a nappy and keep an eye on dinner? Well we Dads cant do that! If we tried something would have to give… in fact I’ve heard of reckless Dads that have tried to change a nappy and talk to a friend and they have stopped breathing because their brains hit over load… not pretty!

We Dads love focus. And unfortunately in this society that we have found ourselves in, most Dads end up focusing on being the “bread winner”. So most Dads are already focussed on their jobs, their career and bringing in the cash. This provides all sorts of added benefits, there is the ego provided by external recognition and we can legitimately say that our focus is “for you and the kids”. How bloody selfless hey?

It comes down to this: being normal requires little attention. The thing about the mainstream is that you can get carried in the wake of thousands of others going exactly the same way…

So why would a Dad want to suddenly break rank, flip around and swim against the current? All that effort and for what? Yes you have all the supposed benefits but we can just see the potential pit falls. Meanwhile its drawing our focus from what is important. Work, recreation and hobbies. Yes kids are important too… but bringing them up should just be as simple as possible.

That’s why your work is cut out for you. Not only will most Dad’s disagree with the idea of homeschooling let alone unschooling… the very idea of getting them to read something about it reinforces their (usually unstated) reason for not doing it. Ill put that another way – something that takes effort and time to research is inherently drawing focus and not worth it.

Much better to be normal. Its simple.

PROPOSED STRATEGIES:

• show how unschooling can fit into your lives without turning everything upside down. Explain how homeschooling, especially unschooling is in fact the more simple, flexible and convenient option compared to school.
• talk about it as something normal, natural. Avoid being defensive on this point – sending kids to an institution from the age of 5yrs is the odd practice while unschooling is an extension of living and being with your children… popular does not make it any less odd
• give up on them reading whole articles, let alone books. Do not print out huge stacks of “evidence” for your argument… strategically print out highlights once you identify the real blocks (more on this later). Also where possible expose them to other supportive peers. As an aside – Im thinking of setting up a side business of “Rent an Unschooling Dad” for just such an occasion… i just need about 100 guys who can do the male bonding thing (fishing, football etc) and simultaneously talk about how unschooling changed their life for the better. Perhaps dont wait for my business to take off… it might be a while coming!

DADS FEEL RESPONSIBLE

Yes we often do not take responsibility for all sorts of things (dinner, cleaning, thinking, shopping etc) but we feel responsible about what we consider to be the “big” stuff.

Another thing this society does is tell males that they are the ones responsible. From adverts, fairy tales, our parents, to almost everything in mainstream culture. Sure you have got it bad with society telling you that women are helpless and not worthy unless you have a man etc… but hey, this is about Dads, you can deal with the need for a renewed feminist movement on your own time!

Part of the pressure of being a bread winner is that Dads feel responsible and there is a certain conservatism that comes with that. It is often “better the devil you know” and even if Dads can acknowledge problems with schools at least almost everyone deals with those problems, its fear of the known.

So we are scared – what if unschooling does “not work”? What if we are ridiculed? What if our kids turn out to be socially ineffective freaks? Often these fears will be unfounded but the other thing about us Dads is that we don’t talk about these things to people. So the fears have a habit of being unconscious, unstated and silently festering until they explode…

PROPOSED STRATEGIES:

• listen to and validate the fears, do not jump to your argument against them. Let them come out and really help to unravel and understand them.
• acknowledge the pressure that he might be under to “make things work” and even to counter balance what he perceives as your “reckless behaviour”. Try not to put him in a corner where he must react against you to “protect you and your kids”. Acknowledge some of your own fears so you can “be on the same side”.

DADS LOVE DELIVERABLES

Deliverables, outcomes, defined outputs… we love them. You put something in one end and you get feedback, bits of paper, interim reports before it comes out the other end. That’s school! Sure most of us know the report card thing and tests are stupid but its something we can file away and refer to so we know how things are going with our kids.

With most Dads are at work all day, they need to know that things are happening in their absense… productive, useful things. Things that can be quantified, described, measured.

Unschooling does not offer these definable outcomes in the same way. You put something in one end and if you are not around to see it grow organically it requires a massive leap of faith before you see them get a job or go to college (the big deliverables)… way too big a leap for most Dads.

PROPOSED STRATEGIES:

• take a holiday together, let him see and revel in those “unquantifiable but magical moments” with your kids that you as the primary carer have come to know and love… but are lost in translation.
• try to record some of your experiences whether it be through pictures, video or even a blog so he can see what happens and that those moments are creating something very special. Keep anything the children and you “make” or “do”, although you obviously don’t want ‘products’ to be the focus it might help Dads in their transition to more trust with process over products
• in a moment of connection, try to encourage him to forget about short term outcomes (learning to multiply, knowing the periodic table etc) and brainstorm about what sort of person he would like his child to be (not what they have, or what they do as a job… but who they would “be”). Then discuss the most effective way of fostering such a person.

DADS LIKE BOUNDARIES

Boundaries, consistency and rules are important to us. They give us a sense of control, of living in a knowable world. Most Dads go to work and know what it is like to do things they do not want to do. The idea that children can just do what they want and live passionate lives grates against the work ethic that has been drummed into most of us from birth.

It is also a fear of permissiveness, that without rules children will not learn how to function in a hostile world.

PROPOSED STRATEGIES:

• the holiday point from above applies here also, time spent with the child in a holiday setting can help develop the trust required to make unschooling shifts.
• discuss how even in his terms that external control is ineffective because it can not be constantly applied, that the more boundaries you place the more there is to rebel and fight against
• ask him what principles and values he would like to impart to your children, what is really important – acknowledge these and discuss how they can be communicated through modelling and gentle guidance, rather than boundaries.

DADS DON’T LIKE EMOTIONS

Most Dads would rather live in the perception that everything is all ok rather than digging down beyond the surface. A family of smiling children who show on the surface show respect to their father is generally a Dad’s ultimate dream… and the fact is this can often be achieved through a mixture of authority, gifts and rules. Ask yourself whether the Dad in question would prefer a Brady Bunch look over to perceived turmoil, chaos or (cringe) regular discussions and expressions of feelings and emotions.

Try not to judge… after all Dads find it hard enough to connect with their own feelings and emotions, as if they could even begin to understand yours… let alone that of their children.

PROPOSED STRATEGIES:

• be patient and try to read between the lines of his opposition, imagine what is going on for him emotionally… but what ever you do, do not let him think you are trying to “get in his head”! That would initiate total “Dad shut down” and we don’t “restart” very easilly.
• let him get angry, upset and emotional without jumping to respond, if he does give him space to express it rather than being angry, uncomfortable of it or trying to fix it.
• in moments of no conflict and high connection ask him more about his own childhood, his schooling, his relationships with his parents… try to understand where he is coming from and maybe assist his understanding of this also

FINAL WORDS

The thing is… if you are considering unschooling, particularly radical unschooling you have probably thought alot about alternative parenting. You might have considered many parenting issues such as:

• modelling positive behaviour
• trying to understand your child’s behaviour rather than reacting against it
• letting go of control, of “shoulds”, “musts” etc.
• validating and providing a safe space for your child to express their feelings
• viewing the world from your child’s point of view
• getting in touch with your own needs and constuctively, lovingly and respectfully communicating that to your child in ways and times that are appropriate
• being on your “child’s side” rather than arguing against them
• assuming the best possible motives behind your child’s behaviour and engaging with them accordingly
• working with your child to develop win- win solutions for all involved

Perhaps only a few of the points are issues that you are exploring with your parenting. However if you really want their Dad to come on board… the ultimate trick is to apply such principles to him as well as your child.

Imagine it was your child disagreeing with an approach you wanted to take .

You would not argue, yell and fight (hopefully). At least your aim would probably be to understand, to allow them to express all of their ideas without being judged. Further it would probably involve trying to accommodate their concerns, in trying to find win win solutions. Ending the adversarial dynamic and getting back on the same side is crucial for the typical Dad to come out of the “trenches” and even consider another way.

With this approach more moments of connection with him are likely and it is in these moments that you can begin to explain your thinking and particularly your feelings. Do not be afraid to express your fears as well as your conviction for these ideas.

It takes time, patience… and even a lot of “tongue biting” because it is not just about what you say, but about what you actively choose not to say. Im not suggesting that it will be easy… but it is possible. Dad’s, as stubborn, annoying and opinionated as we are have been known to shift a long way on all sorts of issues…. just ask my wife!